don't know where i am, don't know where i've been, but i know where i want to go.

i think better with my eyes close. i think with my eyes closed.

it's a weird thing, you know, when your mind refuses to accept certain facts, or doesn't even allow you to find the answer to questions. maybe i'm the only one who experiences this kind of mind control; or if you want to be literal: mind controlessness.

i attempted to figure out a problem that has been annoying me recently the other day, and i was so close to figuring out the answer. at the climax of the solution, the whole reason why everything was the way it was, my mind basically shut down. it stopped working, it stopped attempting to figure out the answer. it didn't make much sense to me, and it still doesn't. but to tell you the truth, even though i am hung up about it, i think it made me realize a bunch more stuff, things that are more important than this.

over spring break, i read a book: it was called "Just in Case." seemed kind of gay and very confusing at the beginning, but as i got into it, the main character just got more and more depressed. all these bad things were happening to him mainly at once, or constistently: serious illness, plane crashes, and falling in love. there wasn't exactly an ending to the book; well there was, but it didn't make much sense. and it was too short to be an ending. the author left him laying in a coma, with his baby brother whispering mutterings in his ear.

this book, it changed my life. that's very odd, and probably untrue: only i can change my life. okay, let's just say it influenced my thinking about life, and the things i think. or, again, if you want to be literal, the things i don't think. as i mentioned before in past enteries, or at least i think i have, my mind has been jumbled for the past six or seven months. months. it wasn't one of those things that only last a week and then somebody comes in and makes it all happy again; no. these were long, tourturous months. idk, maybe i'm making it out to be worse than it really was, but it seemed pretty big to me.

no one came along to save me. i was the only person there, the only one that existed in my mind. the people i used to rely on disappeared in the course of three months; one being a boy i was, i'd like to think, in love with. the two others being my best friends. i was the only one there, and this job was too big for me. i didn't talk about this to anyone, mainly because if i did, it'd influence their thinking about myself, and they'd leave. the last thing i wanted to be was by myself.

and when people told me that they loved me, or that they do [by the way, this still continues on, i haven't overcame this obstelce yet], it only made me feel emptier. people toss the word "love" and the words "i love you" around too much, and i, too, am a part of this trend. if people wouldn't tell me that they love me, i think i'd feel alot better. that's probably a lie, by the way. who knows how i'd feel. but anyways, it seems people tell the truth when they are being rude or inconsiderate. and maybe that is the best thing: as long as you actually ask for the person's opinion first. so, basically, when people are being rude, they are only being nice because they tell the truth. when people are being polite, they are only being rude because they do not tell the truth.

so.. rude = nice, but nice = rude. they are both the same.

anyways, as that leaves you something to ponder on, i've changed alot. ever since i've returned home for spring break, i don't feel the same way i did about people who were in my life. i've forgiven them, every single one of them who encouraged and helped me breakdown, break down my self-esteem, realize the people who they really are. i've forgiven them for the acts they've thrown on my mind, and possibly even on my body. although, i don't think there are.. but who knows? there probably is.

yes, yes, you have problems, too. and you probably think that you're problems are more important than mine, or break you down even further than they have to myself. and you might be right. but maybe your's is with other people, or with your physical body. mine has been none of that. mine has been within myself, and it has been all my fault. it's not a self-pity thing that most people would assume kids who wear black are like, nor is it a cry for attention. it literally was my fault, and i'm no longer afriad to admit it. i'm the one who caused it on myself, and i'm also the one who let myself live like that for so longer.

i'm sorry if i've put you in a position that makes you dislike my point of view, but you're my audiecnce. you're supposed to be mad at me, happy with my words, or even jealous of the issues i've been through. i'm sorry if you've never outgrown any problems that you have, and i really sincerely mean that. i don't mean that in a bad way at all. but i myself, i  overcame it. i'm done with that problem, i'm done with this physcological self mulitation. i'm done with people who i used to love and i'm done with feeling nothing. i can feel something again, i even care again, and trust me, it feels great.

i really do wish the same for you and you're problems, and i hope you don't think that my problems are worse than mine. i don't think my problems are worse than yours, and i do not think that your problems are easier to figure out than mine. i think we're equal, that we're finally equal.

God bless you if you've actually read all this. and it's not for your pleasure, it's for my bennifit.

you were a stroke of luck.

ack. so today was another, boring day of school. i'm so sick of it, i hate school so much. especially recently. i need something new to do during the day, to do something completely.. un-schoolish. that's why i cannot wait for summer! but then .. i'll probably want to be in school by then, so who knows.

after school, i stayed with corey to practice flute crap. philip, too, stayed with us while he listened to my ipod. i'm not gonna say it's interesting, because it wasn't, but it wasn't really that bad either. so whatever, who cares? i guess it was alright. and then after that, we got wendy's and dropped philip off at his house. i went back to corey's house and we played ddr and whatnot. then, we got ready to go to the movies.

what i don't like about going to the movies is that there's always a huge group of people going. i don't really like that because then i feel like i'm not paying enough attention to someone, and then they get pissy with me for that. but whatever. we (as in corey, andrew, david, and i) went to the back lobby place and hung out there for a while. the movie was sooo boring. movies today are so boring and predictable, like the movies always end up in a good way. but! today i guess we missed out on the tragic ending; the only movie with a tragic ending. but ohwell, i'm pretty sure i'll see another movie exactly like that in the near future.

so basically, that was my whole day. now i'm here, waiting for anything to happen. but something different; none of the same old shit i'm used to. i know i don't usually like change, but i feel as if i need it. and i need it now.

future events!: modest mouse cd [four days? sure]; summer [whenever the hell that is]; spring break [again, whenever the hell that is]; something exciting to happen [never]

lesson: don't be afraid to sing a new tune that's different from everyone elses. we all have our own voices, why ruin it by saying what everyone is is saying?